Things that suck

mass murdering dogs

Web pages that use <SMALL> for all their text.

Listen, goat-sucker, if I wanted to read type at that size, I would have made it the NORMAL font in my browser. Your suck-ass teeny-weenie-eye-strain-o-vision paragraphs are totally not worth my time to read.

While we're at it, I hate pages that require javascript or java to navigate. I surf with both off, and when clicking stops working because some graphic-design fag decided to show off his computer programming skills, I want to hunt him down and tear off his scalp. Leave programming to the competent and stick to drawing pretty graphics.

Paper cuts on your tongue you get from licking envelopes

I understand those Euros consider us disgusting for putting our tongues on envelop flaps and stamps. They have sponges all over the place (about like phone booths in America) to save themselves from having to taste the icky stuff. I bet there's a splinter faction of the French Socialist party that wants to substitute toxic glue on the back of stamps to stomp out lickers.

Credit card offers through the mail

I get one of these for some Super Duper Mega-Classic True-Gold Visa and I'm like ``bugger off you time-wasting moron. Your interest rate sucks, you have no grace period, and your prose insults my intelligence.'' I have created a form letter (14K postscript, 1.6K ) to mail back to them in their No-Postage-Necessary-If-Mailed-In-The-United-States Business-Reply-Mail envelopes.

People in charge of computing resources who have no net.clue

I mean, what's the deal. I guess it's because they have to be primarily paper pushers and no technically competent person is going to waste their time dealing with that and politics. They'd rather be playing netrek. Still, it wads my panties that people who think mainframes and Novell are the shit get to decide how the network gets run.

It just goes to show you. The people smart enough to be good at government would be better employed somewhere else.

Bill Gates and Microsoft

Everybody hates them, why shouldn't I follow the herd?

Seriously, these guys suck. You look up Microsoft in the dictionary and it says ``x.0 means beta''. This weenie is rich enough to buy a controlling stake in the Holy Trinity and his wealth is built on vast oceans of over-hyped crap, most of which represents an impediment to innovation. Microsoft's attempt to rewrite the history of the internet is only one example of its hubris.

The existence of Microsoft represents proof that there is no benevolent and just God.

Shit in the checkout line of supermarkers

This stuff is designed to appeal to impulse buying and stupid housewives are vulnerable to this crap (and the whining of small children). The magazines are the worst. I hate myself for wanting to read the article: ``So, aliens had sex with your weedeater? Hmm, got any pictures?''. (see also: light manufacturing)

CNN factoids

This is part of the media's fascination with statistics. Despite the fact that these factoids are basically meaningless without their original context, and many would be useless even in their original context, the media loves to use them. The average dumb person (see stupid) feels informed and is impressed with the media's ability to deliver information to their living room. Bullshit. The information content of these factoids is zero.

The federal budget deficit

These dumbass pork-barrelers in congress can't possibly think we can continue this bullshit forever. The longer we put it off, the more painful it will be to repair. If somebody doesn't fix it, the dollar will be completely and totally fucked.

Zima zucks

Actually, I have never tried Zima. I reject it on ``religious'' grounds (its commercials piss me off).

lame bike racks

Many bike racks suck. The ideal bike rack has a soft covering (PVC over metal seems to work OK).

Many bike racks require you to lift your bike over a bar if you want to lock the frame (and who wouldn't). This results in damaged paint jobs and damaged cable guides.

CSE (one of the places I work) has bike racks that would be great, except they're boxed in by bushes (soft, you can just shove your bike into them) and a wall (not soft, which effectively eliminates half of the parking spaces).

Cigarettes

negative a million PSI.

People who smoke cigarettes

Sure, vegetarians pollute the air, but their emissions don't cause lung disease. Smokers are very defensive about their addiction and generally end up being even more rude when confronted.

The O.J. Simpson trial

Bosnian civil war

Neither of these seem real to me. The Simpson trial is drawing entirely too much press. The courthouse with lawyers, jurors, and defendant should be nuked from orbit on ``frivolous waste of bandwidth'' charges (of course, QVC violates as well). I don't care who's guilty. The truth is no longer relevant. The whole spectacle merely pisses me off.

Bosnia is a pathetic circus. The U.N. can't bring itself to beat the fuck out of the warring factions, but it still has to show up with great wringing of hands. Fuck that noise. Either nuke it from orbit, or wade in with ground troops and slaughter all the men.

They'll have to import husbands, and the next generation probably won't inherit any significant hostility from their moms. Even if they do, what will they do? Become terrorists? Get in line, pal.

Long-distance telephone companies

They all want my business, but they're all intent on screwing me over. Their advertisements are all thinly disguised lies. ``Save up to 20%''. -- up to --. -- 20% -- off of what?! Several times MCI has called me up and asked me to switch. Every time I ask them ``I want to be able to predict the cost of a long distance phone call. What are your rates?'' They say ``we'll mail them to you''. I get more bullshit advertising pamphlets.

When you go to the grocery store and buy some cereal you can see the price before you put it in your cart. Imagine if you had to pick one brand and they delivered however much you consumed and then billed you a seemingly random amount a month later. This is bullshit. What I want is a little device next to my phone that tells me the going long distance rates for all the long distance companies so I can press a button and use whatever one is lowest. Never mind that it would be technically difficult, the phone companies would never allow such a system to be installed. They're quite pleased to put on a demonic lawyer's [ed. redundant] face and say ``we'll be pleased to put your long distance call through. But later we will come for payment''.

fast-food restaurant ice and drink dispensers that require two hands to operate

I mean, what's the deal? I have a subway sandwich and napkins in one hand, a drink in the other. I am loath to put my sandwich and napkins on some horizontal surface that hasn't been washed since morning, and there's a drink/ice dispenser that requires two hands. One to hold the cup, and one to press the button. I have found a way around this, though. You can head-butt the buttons and get them to dispense. I'm sure the people behind the counter love that.

People that have their e-mail address posted on their page, but no direct link to sending a message.

Therefore, one must:

1. Highlight said web address
2. "Copy"
3. Click the little envelope icon in the bottom corner of your Netscape window
4. Click the "To: Mail" button
5. "Paste" the offending web address
6. Notify the web page owner that, (even though he's got links ALL OVER the damn place), that he has no "mail to:" link.

(Editor's note: Of course, sometimes the author doesn't really want to be contacted.)

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